20 Ways to Annoy Orochimaru
by Schnoz13
Summary: Never give Naruto time to think or be bored while on a mission . . . he'll come up with a stupid list like this . . .


This is my first fan fiction. I sort of thought it up one night while at my job. I do not own Naruto or any other parts of the story beyond what I have thought up myself.

Naruto chuckled evilly as his fingers pecked away at his computers keyboard. Sakura, who was lying on his bed and reading a magazine, sighed and rolled over to look at Naruto.

"Alright, I'll bite . . . what's so funny?" she said, slightly annoyed. She was hanging out with Naruto because Tsunade had given them the week off to rest after the fiasco with Sai. All of their friends were out on missions and Sai was being "de-briefed" by Tsunade (his de-briefing involving fisticuffs and threats to his manhood), and with it being hot out today, they had retreated into the shade and cool of his apartment (which was cooled by an ancient dinosaur of an ac unit that, although old, put out enough cold into the air that snow spontaneously formed sometimes). He had hopped on his computer to surf the web; several minutes ago he suddenly began to type furiously, the click-clack sound joined by his chuckling seconds later.

"Just writing something for my fan fiction account," he said innocently. "I sort of though this up while thinking about the mission . . ." Sakura gaped at him, and then scrambled over to peer over his shoulder.

"You write fan fiction?" She asked. "Wait . . . you can read and write!" she said incredulously.

"Ha ha," he said sarcastically. "Anyway . . . tell me what you think." He said, pouting. She looked at the screen and this is what she read:

20 Ways to Annoy Orochimaru

1. When he comes to you offering power, kick him in the balls, yell "stranger danger!", and run.

2. Convince him to turn the curse mark into a tramp stamp.

3. Replace his shota yaoi collection with straight hentai . . . or the Icha Icha series, whichever comes first.

4. During the winter time, trick him into licking a metal pole with his tongue . . . all 20 feet of it.

5. Give him Snakeskin boots for Christmas.

6. Cook him something to eat and when he finds it delicious and asks for the secret ingredient, tell him conspiratorially that its "snake."

7. Swap the snake summoning contract for the earthworm summoning contract when it comes time to renew his signature on the contract.

8. If he happens to be Orochimaru in a universe where Jaraiya and Tsunade have had a kid, tell Tsunade that he was peeking on her, her 5 year old son and her apprentice Sakura while they were bathing, then stand back and watch the fireworks.

9. Pour large amounts of sulfur powder around his house and watch him curse as he tries to figure out a way to leave his house without touching it.

10. Politely suggest that he _really_ needs a tan, and then take him to a tanning salon.

11. Tell Manda where Orochimaru's hideout is so he can finally go "get his damn sacrifices."

12. Convince him the Eels make better allies than the snakes; then trick him into fighting you in the desert.

13. Convince him that Naruto is actually his kid and have him either pay child support, or spend time with him and buy him ramen.

14. Convince him that Anko is also his kid and have him spend time with her and buy her dango.

15. When he demands a paternity test for both because they're draining his wallet for ramen and dango, have Tsunade fake the tests so he can't get off.

16. Teach him the sexy no jutsu then laugh when he does it correctly and nothing happens apart from him growing breasts.

17. Get him and Itachi drunk, trick them into sleeping together, then arrange for Sasuke to walk in on them accidentally.

18. Convince him to start a Michael Jackson Tribute Band and have him be Michael Jackson.

19. Replace his regular vehicle with a van full of candy and treats.

20. When the Rice Daimyo, Akatsuki, or other important dignitaries visit, replace his personal guard with shirtless, well-oiled thirteen year-olds.

She gaped for a minute and sputtered. "What! snort, humph . . . jeez!" She thwacked Naruto on the back of the head, ignoring Inner Sakura, who was howling with laughter. "Naruto this is the stupidest fan fiction ever! It's not even a story, it's a list!"

"Ow! Sakura . . ." he whined. "It's not supposed to be a story, it's supposed to be one of those funny lists you laugh at. I thought it up in a few minutes." He clicked on the button to upload it as Sakura sat back on the bed in a huff, trying not to giggle at the ridiculousness of his "list."

"And your list was also perverted!" She snapped "Why did you put Tsunade-sensei, Sasuke-kun, and my name in it?" Naruto groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Sakura-chan, it's not like Tsunade or Sasuke are going to read it," he began but was interrupted by someone banging on his door. He went and opened it, Sakura trailing after him, to reveal a red-faced panting Shizune. "Shizune-niichan, are you okay?" Naruto said, helping her inside onto his couch. He got her some water, which she drank while he and Sakura watched in concern. After she cooled down for a minute she told them the news that Tsunade had just received.

"Tsunade-sama just got word that Sasuke killed both Itachi and Orochimaru in one blow." She said, causing Naruto and Sakura to look at each other in shock.

"WHAT!"

"HOW?" Shizune jumped in surprise.

"How did he do it?" Demanded Naruto. _Theres no way Teme is that strong_, he thought. Shizune looked uncomfortable and slightly sick for a moment before she answered.

"It was the oddest thing . . . apparently Sasuke . . . found them drunk and in bed together. He jumped at the chance to kill Itachi, but was so furious that Orochimaru was lovers with Itachi, that he killed him, too. On a side note, apparently Kabuto was sandwiched between them. . .so Sasuke killed him, too." Naruto paled, and he and Sakura looked at each other.

"It can't be." Sakura gasped.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Naruto said as he dashed for the bathroom. Shizune looked between Sakura and the bathroom door questioningly as the sounds of retching and Sakura mumbling 'it can't be, he just uploaded' over and over began.

Meanwhile in Sound . . .

Light glinted off of a pair of glasses as Karin chuckled evilly while putting away several empty jugs of sake. She turned off her laptop as she went to meet the new Otokage who was currently locked away in his room shivering in shock and disgust. _Looks like I'll have to be the one that heals him emotionally_ she thought with glee as she left the room. _Whoever Ramenlvr1010 is, he's a diabolical evil genius, I'll have to track him down and thank him after I rape, I mean heal, Sasuke_, she thought as she skipped on the way to Sasuke's room.


End file.
